Since Childhood…
Since childhood, I was a child who had the temerity to tell others my feelings and thoughts straight forward without hesitation. I loved my self-confidence and fearless approach to the obstacles thrown at me and I always knew exactly what my weaknesses and strengths were. In the course of time, however, the confident and adventurous side of me had slowly started to change and without even noticing, I had become a totally different person.
One day in September 2010, my parents suddenly asked me if I wanted to go to America for a year. They wanted me to explore the world other than Korea and learn English as well. As a girl who loved new experiences, the answer was obviously - yes. Fast forward a few months, the flight flew across the Pacific Ocean and I was met with the drizzly rain of Seattle. There, I was welcomed by English signs and diverse people of color speaking the same language. That was the first moment I remember in the United States.
For the next one year, I planned to stay with my uncle’s house. Staying at your relative’s house might seem comforting and caring, but my experience was very different. Although all of my cousins, aunts, and uncles were very supportive, the feeling of detachment always stayed with me. This is because everyone in that house grew up with each other and was comfortable living together whereas I was a stranger from Korea who was getting used to the environment and the culture. Unknowingly, I was growing hungry for my family’s love and comfort.
Luckily, my whole family decided to immigrate to the States a couple of months after and I was full of joy seeing them again. Despite the happiness that my family brought, there grew a concern that the sufferings from my time alone would cause my parents guilt about their choice to move me to America. Therefore there was a constant hesitation to open up to even my own family and share my true emotions. Externally, the experience of living independently allowed me to mature earlier than my peers, knowing how to take responsibility and be self-reliant. Internally, however, I was a broken child craving attention and love from others. Having two opposite sides within myself, I began having self doubt when forming relationships with new people. Over time, I found myself stuck and was looking for ways to find my true self again.
With self doubt haunting me, I started to look to my peers and friendships to get me through. So, I opened my ears wider to hear the needs of people around me and spent my time sacrificing myself to encourage and love my friends. An obsession to gain people’s trust increased because I didn’t want to feel weak or lacking. As time passed by, being a constant shoulder to cry on became a burden for me and it came to the point where I could not hold everything together anymore. At one point, I was at the edge and needed someone to notice me and ask what was bothering me deep inside. Eventually, I realized that nobody can understand my hardships unless I open myself up as well. Ever since then, I began to take one step at a time to open up and depend on my friends and family.
To this day, opening up to others is challenging, but I continuously learn that the more I share my stories, the more people I can approach and help. Through my open-mindedness, my friendships grew stronger than ever before. My journey of opening myself up gave me my confidence back and helped me grow into a self-motivated and autonomous person. I am excited to see what I can do to help my friends and peers by sharing my stories and encouraging others in the community of Harvard University.
